Useless Information

In a completely useless universe, on an unimportant hill, 2 sets of eyes meandered around a feebly glistening leaf as it wavered down. As a matter of fact, the leaf was probably more important than the owners of the eyes. Who’s unimportant names were; Phil and Buddy. They were the best combination of two species; a goat and a human.

Buddy had puffy cloud-like hair. His nose, always scrunched up, laid flat on his face. He had scrappy mutton chops to the left but not right of his chin. That’s how he got the name “right-sous idiot”. He always looked unhappy and empty. The reason for his emptiness was his name. All through childhood people yelled and threw sticks at him, which he ironically fetched. The cruelly horrible naming skills of his parents had lead to a permanent life denying face. As you look at him, sadness swallows you whole and digs you into a deep, deep hole. Waves crash against you flattening you into a soggy pancake. That is how he feels on a daily basis. Like a soggy pancake.

Whereas, Phil was the exact opposite. At first glance, the goat is like the yin of the yang (except, his face was orange, due to his overeating problems with carrots). His face was always lit up with a smile, bathing positive thoughts into people’s minds when they were down. Its was as if they were a salty meal, and he added a pound of sugar to the meal. However, if you look deep down into his soul, you’ll see a whole nother man. Well, goat that is. This put thoughts of stealing carrots and killing into his mind. Mostly killing however(despite what you might think, goats like killing more than carrots). This was because of the totally serious war that 60 people participated in.  WW32. The totally tranquil goats versus the Humans. Well, the only people that called them tranquil were they themselves. As a matter of fact they used to have a population of 1,329 people in their clan. Goats that is. And well, their “tranquil” ways brought them down to only about 120 people. Or goats, if you want to be specific. The ducks (mostly known throughout the land as the evil beasts) had basically destroyed all of the goats. In doing so, they had gained control over the whole world, taking many of the other creatures as slaves. They chained them up, stomping onto their dreams and flattening them into duds that never got revived. Sometimes they even made the slaves watch a terrible TV show. This(mostly the last part) put the whole empire of “The Useful” into a deep depression. And now that you know something useless, we can start the quest.

Finding the Prophecy (well, listening to some goat say it)

“To attack the “evil beasts”, as other creatures call us, you would have to be the cruelest creature in the world. We are very kind, nice polite and very nice in general”

That is a expert from the book “Creative Creatures of the south”. Despite that, it is not correct at all. In fact, just reverse everything that that says, then you will get the truth.

    Now that I have told you the most unholy information you have ever in taken, let's resume our quest. As the leaf wavered back down to the ground, Phil and Buddy realized that the past 6 hours were wasted on watching meaningless leaves fall to their inevitable death. “Hey Buddy,” the goat said, “do you realize that we have wasted the past six hours watching meaningless leaves fall to their inevitable death?” Buddy’s scrunched up face scrunched up even more due to the serious thought he was processing. This made him look like a fat turtle that couldn't fit back into its shell. A couple of painful minutes later, Buddy relaxed his face and ceremonially announced “Y-yes I think I do,” sweat rolled from his face because of all the tiresome thinking Phil had put him through. “Well,” Phil replied, “how about we stop wasting our time watching meaningless leaves fall to their inevitable death and do something useful!” The words jumped out of his mouth. Just as the last word dived from Phil’s mouth, and into Buddy’s ear, an earthshaking roar shook the brains of our two heroes. Well, that is if they have brains. Now that is a mystery not even the smartest in the nation know the answer to. Who, by the way have an astonishing IQ of 87. The average IQ is about 22. Our heros, by being heros have the IQ of 23, and 24 respectively. Buddy has 23, and Phil has 24. Despite all of this great stuff, the last few sentences are kind of....well....useless. So, to continue that pattern…..


Anyway, back to our quest:

“Did you hear that earthshaking roar?” Asked Buddy. “Yes. If it's an earthshaking roar it would be pretty hard to miss,” answered the ‘philosopher’

“I guess you’re right,” sighed Buddy, “However, you could have just said yes,”

“Same difference,” said Phil as he waved the thought away.

A short bit after their really interesting conversation, another roar, or screech blew through the wind. You would think that by this time the two men would walk near the sound but, no. You would be overestimating them.

“Hey Buddy,” whispered the goat, “Did you hear that sound?”

“What sound?” Whispered Buddy back to Phil,

“The one that blew through my eardrums and blew my brain into pieces? No didn’t hear it,” Phil rolled his eyes and whispered back over to Buddy, “A simple yes would have been enough.”

The two smiled, stood up, and finally walked into the vicinity of the sound. Genius, I know.

As soon as they headed towards the sound, they saw many troops of ducks. The ducks rule the center of the land, so that they can watch and observe every tribe of animals. They have only battled once(against the goats, as mentioned earlier), but they inspire terror in too many to count, so their attempts to rule the land have been very successful. Here is what they have to say about themselves(the brief version that isn’t 567 pages long bragging about how good fighters they are): “Despite how great we are in fighting, and our excellent battle strategies(which probably come from our high intelligence), we are peaceful, unless we need to fight, and of course you will never ever meet a duck who is rude or impolite.” The hero's, already knowing all of this, decided to hide behind a rock. The ducks past on, without noticing them.

Just kidding! Of course the ducks noticed them. Well actually, just one duck noticed them. Anyway, back tho the story.

Buddy and Phil now knew what that pesky earthshaking roar was coming from.

It was coming from 444 ducks that were blowing on the ducks top-secret earthshaking roar horns.

Now, you will propoboly be asking why the duck were using their top-secret earthshaking roar horns out in the open. The answer is simple. The ducks were very dumb, and they like to show of.

When the ducks blew on the the earth shaking roar horn again, because Buddy and Phil were a lot closer, the earthshaking roar horn’s earthshaking roar was a lot louder. Buddy and Phil knew this and buddy covered his ears. Unfortunately, for Phil he was a goat, and could not cover his ears, and his ears were ten times more sensitive than Buddy’s. S when the 444 ducks blew on their earthshaking roar horns Phil cried out.

“Owwwww! My ears!” he cried.

“Guffred!” said Buddy.

And amazingly, just one duck noticed, as the earth shaking roar was still going on.

“Hey! he yelled. you are my prisoner!”

And then flew at Buddy and Phil. Fortunately they were behind a rock, and the duck flew into it, and fell to the ground, stunned.

This is when our heroes made their getaway, just as the earthshaking roar horns blew again.

Owwwwwww! My ears! Cried Buddy and Phil, and this time no one noticed.


Something around a quarter of an hour later, the two found a large cavern that seemed in the wrong place. The cave was in the middle of a plain, right near the city. On top of the cave was a sign that read, “Things I hate: living in caves, signs, and misplaced caves.” Our two heroes exchanged a glance and stomped into the darkness.

As soon as they walked in, the first thing they noticed

was the main idea; the fact that they were in a cave. I

know it might seem obvious but don’t be too harsh on

them, they aren't the brightest. The second, most genius thing they noticed was the fact that it was dark. By dark I mean like dark, dark. You know that type of dark where a pacifistic scary monster lives and wishes to feast on your body? Yeah, that dark. The last thing they noticed was that behind them far away in the plain a big sign said “DON’T COME INTO THIS CAVE!!!!! THERE IS POISONOUS WATER THAT WILL MAKE YOU FALL UNCONSCIOUS IF YOU DRINK IT!!!!!!!!” Naturally they were curious, and wanted to drink the water that the sign said not to drink.

However decided to save the genius/suicidal plan for later. Anyway, the first thing they heard however, was actually useful. The beautiful song of silence that twinkles in the rain, unheard of. That was a sign that there was no one in here, however, someone might be watching.

The second thing they heard was a deep voice stating, “I have all the answers to any question deep beneath my skin. Do not fear to ask, for no question is a sin,” however, Phil and Buddy were still confronted of the feeling of silence. “You have three questions, like in every other story. For, I believe classics bring more glory.” the voice calmly continued, “Now are you ready to dive in deep, into the mind of a very wise sheep?” As soon as he mentioned that he was a sheep, Phil’s eyes started gleaming in the light of darkness. Again, it might not make any sense whatsoever but since this is a philosophical place it will do. He excitedly jumped and yipped, “Are you a sheep?!” for Phil had not seen a sheep in a long, long time. However, no answer followed. Then the voice understood and said, “I am not an ordinary guy. Speak in poetry for me to hear your cry.” Phil nodded and said, “Are you a sheep-” then fell into a deep thought.

Buddy soon noticed and continued for Phil, “Meep meep,” Phil sprang out of thought and gave Buddy a look of ‘thank you’. Unlike Phil and Buddy expected, the voice said “You should have said ‘wow, how steep!!!!’”

   “Umm...what does that have to do with anything?” Buddy asked. No answer. “Oh, and I can’t sing”, he said after a moment of hesitation. Phil gave Buddy a confused look, then after a few minutes realized what he had meant.

The answer came slowly. “Is that one of questions, or not? Tell me this is not the answer you sought!” Phil and Buddy considered whether to use it as one of their questions or not. Remember that they are not the brightest. After ten exhausting minutes of deciding, they chose not to use it as one of their three questions. The voice came back, and told them that it had to do with actual words and not actual words.

“Hmm, what should we ask it?” Buddy asked Phil.

“How about the meaning of life?” Phil responded. The two pondered, thinking of what rhymes with life. Neither of them could think of anything. The answer is of course strife, but neither of them had ever heard about that word.

After twenty minutes the voice called out “I am tired of waiting, there are fish to be baiting!”

“Maybe we should ask it something else,” Phil pondered. “Ok,” “almighty voice, what should we do with our lives. Oh, and we don’t have wives,”

“That is pretty pathetic, and I am not athletic” the voice responded. Phil looked at where the voice was supposedly coming from. A second later cursing poured from his mouth.


After a long pause, the voice responded: “You should defeat the evil beasts to right that wrong, then you should change the warthogs bells sound to GONG”

Our heros thought about this. Both of the answers made sense. “How do we defeat the evil beast(Our heroes don’t have great grammar), and umm..... I want to have a feast.”

“To destroy the leader of evil beast

The world must gather to have the feast

Every creature must unite

Every creature must be ready for the fight

Our world seems to have fallen in might

We might as well be attacked in the starry night

Many of us will not prevail

Do to the dirty air we may not inhale

As the evil beasts toxicate the air

They might as well do something like impale

What we must do is quest;

We can not rest

Only as long as we are pressed

Go to the Descender, you must request

For the freedom of you all

Destroy the throne for the heir”

Lets go Into That Dangerous Cave for no Reason!

“There are those few evil moths that you might see, but the real danger is must of the time the evil goats that you encounter.”

This is a rabbits opinion on goats. They probably say this only because of how much the goats like carrots. Also, most of the time, the real danger is the creatures brain.

So, after that dramatic prophecy, our heros left the cave. Then, because of their curiosity, they headed toward the cave with the warning sign on it. Then, as they drew nearer, they saw another sign. “DO NOT COME ANY CLOSER, I AM TELLING YOU. THERE IS POISONOUS WATER IN THIS CAVE!” Of course, this was a invitation to go into the cave for Phil and Buddy. But, then, when they were about 200 gives (gives is there way of measuring. 2 giseves equals about one yard, or about one meter. Every five meves, equals a gisev.) away, they were stopped by a creepy looking goat. That creepy looking goats name was Boris. It seemed like he was foaming at the mouth, but actually it was just shaving cream. Of course, our heroes didn’t know that.

“Hey, you! Listen here mate. I’m Boris, and this is my territory, you here?” Boris said, while our heroes gaped in surprise. “So,” Boris continued, “You guys better pay the price, or help out some other way.”

“Would telling you the secret weakness of the rabbits be enough?” Asked Buddy. He had long despised the rabbits for making fun of his name, but he actually didn’t know the secret weakness of them. However, Boris took the bait. I will explain why after they get away.

“Okay, what is the secret?”

Phil, who had been looking on in surprise, even anger at his friend for not telling him the secret long ago, took matters into his own hands. “The secret is that they,” Phil paused dramatically, “Don’t eat apples!”

At this, Boris fainted. Buddy looked like he was going to as well, but didn’t.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Asked Phil.

“Because I didn’t know. I was trying to waste time. I can’t believe you did though.”

“I didn’t. I was trying to waste time.”

“Well, I guess great minds think alike!”

So, are heroes continued to the cave. And then, well they arrived at the cave. So, quite logically, they entered the cave.

Getting Captured (and Attacked by Pacifists)

“The short-tailed shrews are equivalent (we are really smart, so we know big words like that) to the most peaceful creature ever. In fact, we are not just equivalent, we are more than, the most peaceful and most modest creature. We are so polite and forgiving (another big word!) that we are considered the most nice creature of any of them.”

This is what the shrews have to say about themselves. They use a lot of “big” words, and are obviously polite and modest, like every creature says they are. All in all, that paragraph is just a bunch of lies.

So, I assume that you remember the sign, talking about the poisonous water. If not, reread that section please. Anyway, our heros remember it, but well they are not the smartest. So, right after the last question was answered, our favorite heros go toward the cave with the water. As soon as they enter, they saw two ducks, and four short-tailed shrews. The short tailed shrews are close friends and allies with the ducks, and have poisonous bites. They are probably the second most dangerous tribe in the entire kingdom, however, they strongly believe they are pacifists, and they say that since they have won 99% of their battles(they have fought in 100, and only lost one, to the weasels of course) they are clearly pacifists. The ducks agree, and no one denies the “obvious”, that they are truly pacifists.They live right next to the ducks which is probably not a accident. According to  “Creative Creatures of the South” they are “the most peaceful, but strongest in fighting creatures in the world. The are also very smart, and kind. The only creatures that you need to do anything in this world!”

“Drink that water or we’ll kill you!” One of the shrews orders.

“I thought you shrews were pacifists!!!!” Buddy replied, with fear in his eye.

“We are!!!” The shrew replied. Both Buddy, and Phil were so scared and stupid, that they did as the shrew commanded. Both instantly fell unconscious. They were both taken, and brought to the land of the of the shrews. The land of the shrews was basically the land of the “smart shrews”. However, despite the name, *cough, cough* the shrews were not entirely smart.... *cough, cough* What? No, no, no. That was just a little coughing fit I had. It didn’t mention anything about the shrews smartness. Definitely not. No, I am not sick. Stop asking questions, for goodness sake. That is what I am sick of. Annoying questions(mostly ones that are obviously not true.) I mean honestly, they have a average IQ of 23. It's more than average, for goodness sake. It is only a true genius kind of creature who has a average IQ that high. *Cough, cough* yeah right *cough, cough*. No I don’t need to take a break. I’m fine, just because I have a cough doesn’t mean I need you to fill in! Who knows what might happen if I let you do this!! Anyway, as I was saying(*cough, cough*)... NO I DON’T NEED A COUGH DROP!!!!! I like mint-flavored ones better anyways. Don’t give me any more lemon flavored ones. Look, can I just get back to the story?? Hey, I’m not giving you any of my cough drops, okay? It’s not my fault you got a cough from me!! Fine, one mint flavored cough drop, but next time get your own lemon ones. Honestly!! You are such a Meafhow!!!!!! Wow, sorry I lost my temper there. That is a very bad word in the “Useful empire.” But stop talking about $#*&@^!ing cough drops, okay? So, our heros were being brought to the land of shrews. But, while they were in the process of going there, the weasels launched a surprise attack. Which, they quickly won. While the creatures were fighting, our brave heroes had a very intellectual conversation.

“ seems like there is something we should be doing. Like maybe we have a opportunity to do something or whatnot,” was Phil’s start to the conversation.

“I feel the same way”, Buddy replied. “Maybe we could run back to the evil shrew’s, genius I know.”

“Were you joking, or are you just a very big Meafhow?”

“Was I supposed to be joking? You know there's a small skirmish out there.”

“Oh, never mind, it doesn't matter.”

“What, me joking, or the small skirmish?” asked Buddy, who was annoyed at Phil for not being clear.


“But the skirmish matters, as we could be killed.” this was one of Buddy’s unusual comments that were actually helpful.

“Oh, whatever, let's run away from the shrews!!”

“Where? That forest over there looks very scary.”

“Then let’s go in!” said Phil. This was one of his uncommon statements that were unhelpful.

“Ok… I guess.” said Buddy skeptically.

“Come on! What are you waiting for?” said Phil cheerfully.

So, they did. They ran away to a forest.

They entered the forest.Then a spider fell in front of them. A poisonous one to be exact.

“He must have bit his tongue, as he is a poisonous spider.” said Phil.

He was right. Dying by biting their tongue on accident was  a popular way for poisonous spiders to die, as it happens quite often. This has diminished the poisonous spider species from 123,123 to 11,021. It doesn't help that they have a IQ of 3.

Wild Boars are very smart, and charge at anything in a two hundred foot radius. Despite how smart they are, their IQ is still only 30, so they are kind of *cough, cough* well, idiots *cough, cough*. NO!!!! I WILL NOT TAKE ANY OF YOUR COUGH DROPS!! Back to the story. Buddy and Phil had just stepped into the two hundred foot radius of a Wild Boar. The Wild Boar as said before, charged.

Luckily Phil being a goat, picked up the sent of the Wild Boar, and pulled Buddy out of the way. Unfortunately the Wild Boar was charging very fast, and did not turn around fast enough. He crashed into a tree. He crashed into another tree. He passed out.

This might be a good time to mention that that the floor of the forest was covered with leaves.

It is important because the leaves where covering up lots of bones. The floor of the forest was covered with bones because this pictictual forest was where animals come to die when they are wounded, old or sick. Phil and Buddy did not know this. And good thing too. If they did they would die in the forest. If they did not know, they could pass through the forest. They would also be the first to cross the forest, because no one else had.

Because one, who would want to anyway? And two,they also died before they reached the end.

So, dear reader, please do not tell Phil and Buddy that little secret. Can I trust you? Darn, I knew it.

It was a few more days until our heros meet more trouble, as most things in the forest where dead.

Buddy and Phil heard something that sounded quite like crunching leaves, but they were a few miles off, and they could only hear it because the forest was dead silent. (Yes, bad pun, I know.) But then Buddy said something to rid the dead silence.

“Phil, did you hear the crunching of the leaves over there?” he asked.

Phil, who was tired of Buddy stating the obvious said this: “No, I didn’t hear the sound that greatly disturbed this quiet forest.” said Phil sarcastically.

“Oh, I guess it’s-”

“I heard it Buddy.” bleated Phil as loud as his tiny goat lungs let him.

“But you just said you didn’t hear it.” said Buddy, who was very confused.

“I was being sarcastic Buddy.” sighed Phil.

“What does sarcastic mean?” asked Buddy, more confused than before.

“I’m not going to talk to you now. Please and thank you.” said a frustrated Phil. (Given the circumstances, i feel sorry for Buddy, I just had to look up ‘sarcastic in the dictionary.)


And Buddy and Phil left it at that… for a minute, as buddy wasn’t yet satisfied. “Phil, what does sarcastic mean?” he asked.

“I told you not to talk to me!” growled Phil.

“Is that what sarcastic mean?” asked Buddy, confused because Phil was giving him to many answers for his tiny brain to hold.

“NO.” answered Phil.

‘Soo, what does sarcastic really mean?” asked Buddy.

“ARRRGGGGGG!!” screamed Phil, sounding quite like a pirate, which reminds me, I used to be one, and do you know what I plundered? Cough drops, and I have a little bit of my old self coming on...give me all of your cough drops, or else! Ok, that was a joke but it was funny, so no complaining. And I do think you might complain, thank you for asking. That actually sounds like you are complaining right now, to tell the truth. Now back to Buddy and Phil’s adventure.

“Thanks.” said Buddy, his question now answered.

And Buddy and Phil went on like this for a little bit, Phil, steaming mad, and Buddy trying to remember what ARRRGGGGGG ment, and once he figured that out, (by asking Phil and getting him even madder than he was) he had a new problem. What does sarcastic mean? So he asked Phil, and repeating the whole process over. He was counting on Phil getting so irritated that he finally would just tell Buddy what it ment.

“Stop asking what sarcasm is, and I will tell you!”

“Just tell me, please,” Buddy pleaded.

“I would love to tell you!” Phil exclaimed, being sarcastic, ironically.

“Yay! Can you tell me then?”

“No, I was being sarcastic,” Phil screamed.

“Ahhh.....So being sarcastic means telling someone you would love to tell them what sarcasm is? That seems confusing. And why did you say that other thing before?”

“Being sarcastic means that you are telling someone the opposite of what you are saying.”

“Was that being sarcastic?” Buddy asked.

“No, it isn’t, but yes, no.....I don’t know! It wasn’t, okay?”

“Now that was sarcastic,” Buddy exclaimed, happy to get something right.

“Yes Buddy, it was right.”

“I knew it,” Buddy exclaimed, not catching the sarcasm.

After this, they were both silent while they walked and while they thought. And then they ran into some trouble.

The trouble they met was none other than a sick old duck. This particular duck was smarter than most. This was unfortunate for Buddy and Phil. And the duck.

  This particular duck was also going to destroy all humans and goats till the day he died.

Glad Im a Vegetarian!

“Ducks are a lot smarter than every other creature. Plus, they almost never eat any junk food.”

No, no and no. The junk food part especially. There is a simple reason that they eat a lot of junk food. Why? Because they aren’t smart! Also, the junk food in the useless empire is pretty great.

The duck charged. But because he was old, he could not charge. So instead he waddled. But he waddled in a very threatening way. How you waddle in a threatening way is beyond me. Maybe not you. So the duck waddled forward at exactly a pathetic 2 ½ miles an hour. He was a slow and fat duck.

Because he was a slow and fat duck Phil and Buddy had some time to think. Exactly five minutes.

“Should we run?” asked Buddy.

“A hero does not run from his fate.” declared Phil.

“So is that a no?” asked Buddy, somewhat confused.

“Yes, that's a no.” sighed Phil.

Now if your thinking that the ducks where as cruel to send a member to his death without a weapon, your right. Though the duck had snuck a small pocket knife with him. But he lost it in the leaves. He was quite mad about this.

Phil charged. Buddy being is companion charged too. Though he did not know why.the duck was charging to. This ended up in a three way collision. But before the collision the duck was thinking this;

“DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” he was smarter than the other ducks, though the other ducks were not that smart.

The crash got Phil to show his depression more. If you read the first chapter then you would know that Phil usually hid his depression well. If you didn't then read it. I’ll still be here. I'll sing. LALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

Back? Let's get to the story.

This might be a good time to mention that there where methane vents across the forest.

This is also a good time to mention that Buddy, Phil and the duck where on top of one. The duck specifically.

When there is gas from the dead around the vents they explode.

There was gas from the dead around the methane vent.

Then there was an explosion that sent our heroes flying.

The duck just flew up ten feet instead of the usual thirty because he was fat.

Buddy fell to the ground and ran into a tree and passed out. Then Phil did the exact same.

Two hours later Buddy woke up. He was hungry.

Thirty minutes later Phil awoke. He was also hungry.

Then they found the duck. He was dead. He was also crisped to perfection.

As I said they were hungry. Hungry enough to eat the duck.

“We shouldn't. Said Phil.

“Lets eat. Said a very hungry Buddy.

“Ok. sighed Phil.

There was a problem. Phil was getting more depressed and less positive and Buddy did not know.

Although Phil was reluctant to eat at first, he along with Buddy dug in.

In one thousand years thanks to Buddy and Phil roasted duck would be a delicacy.

After they ate they continued on through the woods, and made it out in a day. They decided to sleep on a hill.

They would be attacked the next day. But don't tell them that.

The Evil flying Hamsters (very rude ones too.)

“Despite how rare they are very rare, flying hamsters are really quite polite, and kind hearted. Especially the evil ones.”

That was the duck's opinion on evil flying hamsters. Of course, they can’t exactly be trusted, so you never know whether the hamsters are actually nice. Normal hamsters are also favored by the ducks

Buddy and Phil were sleeping. They wouldn't be for long.

You see, there where twenty one giant, evil, flying hamsters.

However they believed that they could only fight if the opponent was awake. There were no rules on how to wake them up though. Oh, yeah, they just couldn't kill them. This was unfortunate for our heroes, as they where the opponent.

So buddy and Phil awoke to hamsters dive bombing them. This was the second rude awakening in two days! How unlucky can you get? Quite unlucky actually.

Buddy and Phil knew instantly that the hamsters were evil. No matter how dumb you are you know something is evil when they are frothing at the mouth, and have a crazy red gleam in their eye.  Or, when the squeak/scream/squawk cries of evilness directed at you (“Death to the enemies of the awesome evil flying hamsters.”)

Buddy and Phil had no weapons. I guess if you think duck bones are weapons, they had those.

But, oh crap, they where now awake, and the hamsters could now kill them.

With glee filled squeaks the evil hamsters went in for the kill hamster style. ( Dive bombing the enemy.) But Buddy and Phil were now wide awake, being dive bombed by evil hamsters tend to do that to you. The leader of the hamsters was bearing down on them along with the other twenty. Buddy and Phil dove opposite sides and the leader couldn't turn in time, and crashed witch knocked him out along with two of his friends.

This made the other hamsters angry. So angry that they did not pay attention to what they were doing.

Simply put, they followed the path of their leader and his two friends. Wait! There were two hamsters that were smarter than their friends. I use the term friends loosely here as hamsters were all enemies and only worked together to get food and to wipe their enemies off the face of Earth as they were doing now.

The hamsters landed and charged at Buddy because he was a softer target.

They missed. Then they ran into trees. Next they ran into more trees and those knocked them out. But Buddy and Phil did not know that. They thought they were dead.

This caused Phil’s hidden depression to grow worse and show more. I don't know why. I think killing evil hamsters an accomplishment, when they are trying to get  you. As usual Buddy did not notice. But this time he didn't notice because he was hungry, not a moron. He’s not a moron only when there's food involved. Then he can actually be sensible, surprising right? He can also be sensible WHEN WILL YOU STOP ASKING FOR COUGH DROPS!!!?? Anyway, back to the story.

“Phil, I’m hungry.” complained Buddy.

“There’s no reason to be hungry, we just had duck. Oh, and we are NOT eating those hamsters.” groned Phil.

“Why can't we eat the hamsters? And my tummy hurts, that means it's hungry.” pouted Buddy.

“Well, we can't eat the hamsters because.... they have a disease. And it's called ummmm rabisgreen-eye. Exclaimed Phil.

“But my tummy hurts.” Buddy said in a perfect imitation of a two year old.

“Oh, that's ‘cause you are scared.”

“I'm not hungry anymore.”


And the conversation ended there.

But, reader if you have a good memory, (you probably don't,) you would realize that Phil said  rabisgreen-eye instead of rabisred-eye. The answer is simple, Phil was, being a goat, was color blind and could only see green and red. The other reason is well… Phil was… not very good with colors.  

The conversation started up again a few minutes later.

“Phil, im soooo hungry.” moaned Buddy.

“Do you want to look like them?! Phil snapped, frustrated at Buddy’s constant complaining.

“No.” said Buddy kind of hurt.

“Sorry, I just don't want you to be like them.” Phil said with a shudder.

“Its ok.” said Buddy while tearing a piece of a lucky now dead hamster.

“Buddy! No!” screamed Phil and went galloping over and butted the piece of meat out of Buddy’s hand.

“Buddy no more meat.” said Phil said as calmly as he could, and that wasn't very calm.

“But I’m hungry.”

“Then let's find something else to eat.”

The did. They found acorns. They ate the acorns.

They would be in danger the next day. But don't tell them that. It would ruin the story.

Awaking to Birds that say Up wake and wake down

“Wake up birds sound very nice, except for those loners. There are usually a few in the tribe, and they say stuff like wake down, or up wake, to insult their comrades who don’t understand that wake up birds are really stupid.”

The ducks opinion is actually right for once, but the truth is that wake up birds don’t always sound nice.

Our heroes awoke to the sound of birds. So they went back to sleep. Twenty one minutes later they were woken up again by the birds. They again tried to go back to sleep. But the birds were relentless. Let’s get in closer.

the birds seem to be saying something.

“Wake up.”

“Wake up.” they all seemed to be chanting.

Wait. Not all of them. There is one tiny green one who is saying; “Up wake. Up wake.”

When he said this he was chased through the trees with other birds nipping at his tail, wings, and his neck. The same happened to another one of them, this one chanting “Wake down”.

Needless to say Buddy and Phil woke up. This was the second unpleasant  awakening is two days.

“This is the second unpleasant  awakening is two days!” cried Phil, who was looking forward to sleeping in late today, and only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. He did not like the change in plans.

Buddy did though. He was  looking forward to another excursion. He was a look for adventure, and when adventure comes, hide in a bush.

Once they had woken up completely, they were on their way.

After hiking for a mile or two, Buddy got hungry.

“Phil, I’m hungry.” Buddy complained.

“Then let's eat the last of the acorns, there our only food, let them go to waste! No Buddy, you will get no more food.” Phil said to Buddy who was, taking advantage of the fact that Phil was distracted, was stuffing his face with acorns.

“Hey! If you are going to eat all the acorns let me have some!”

“Ok.” said Buddy, happy that they had come to an agreement.

Now, while they are stuffing their faces, it is a good time to mention that the acorns made Buddy and Phil barf. This may have been that these acorns were poisonous, but food is food, but the acorns were not food.

So, Buddy and Phil ate all of their precious acorns, and simultaneously barfing them up on the way.

After they had walked a while there was an ear splitting boom. It sounded like this; BOOM!

After all, it was an ear splitting boom.

“Phil, did you hear that ear splitting boom?” asked Buddy

“Do you mean that one that shattered my eardrums for the fifth time?! No, I didn't hear it.” said Phil in a very sarcastic tone.

“So you didn't hear it?” asked Buddy, who among his other problems still needed to discover sarcasm.

“Of course I heard it Buddy.” said Phil, who now was fortunately now used to the idiocy of Buddy.

Our heros, now came to a tree that had, by the looks of it had just exploded.

“Phil did that tree just explode?” asked Buddy.

“Yes, I believe that tree was the ear splitting noise that we just heard.” responded Phil.

“What?” said Buddy, his ears still ringing.

“I said, yes, I believe that tree was the ear splitting noise that we just heard.”

“Oh. And, anyway if that random tree just exploded does that mean that random trees are just exploding at random?”  asked Buddy.

“I believe so Buddy, but you put too many randoms in your sentence.” corrected Phil.

“This is supposed to be a story, not a grammar lesson.” complained Buddy.

“Fair enough.”

And so they went, Buddy satisfied that this story that I’m telling is not a grammar lesson and Phil wondering why Buddy had to state the obvious, and why he was so dumb, and why his face looked more and more like a tortured turtle. All these questions have easy answers, his face looked like a tortured turtle because Phil was making him think more than he was used to, and as for the other two, those had the same answer; Buddy had an IQ of 23, so naturally he was not very smart.

Unfortunately because these questions were very hard questions (remember although Phil was smarter than Buddy it was a only 1IQ difference, so they were hard questions indeed,) they contributed to Phil’s constantly growing depression and grumpiness.

After a while Phil began to sprint, so Buddy did too, though he didn't know quite why. But as Buddy and Phil were not very athletic they soon began to run. And then they began to jog. Then walk. And then a bunch of fleas swarmed them. Fleas are very intelligent, with a average IQ of 39. What they say about themselves? “We love mint flavored cough drops, but please stop asking about them.” And that was not a joke! That is what they actually say about themselves, okay? Fine, fine it was a joke. But stop asking me about them, okay? Not ok? I should have known you would say that. You son of a meafhow! Sorry, sorry I just lose my temper sometimes. Wait, you have a peace offering? A MINT FLAVORED COUGH DROP! Yes, thank so much. Next time tell me you have them.

Anyway for the fleas, well once humans invented fly swatters… But back to the story. The fleas were going to attack them, but then, they disappeared. Like they were a projected image. (Which is what they were, though are heros don’t know that yet.) Anyway, are heros started running again.

Then they started to jog, then walk then crawl for a while because they were very tired, and even though it is impossible for Phil to crawl he did it anyway. (This was managed because he did not know that he wasn't supposed to crawl.) They crawled on for an hour,  that is, until Buddy made a surprisingly sensible comment.

“Phil why are we crawling for absolutely no reason at all?”

And Phil answered; “Buddy, I have no idea at all.” he said, still crawling.

“Then let's start walking again!” said Buddy, this time being the one frustrated.

“Jeez ok, ok.” said Phil.

And thankfully they began to walk again.

And then, oh, yeah I finished my cough drop, can I have another? No? Drat.

And Buddy and Phil were walking. And walking. And walking. And then, they started hopping. The hops that they hopped were very big hops.

Then, Buddy asked yet another genius question. “Why are we hopping up and down?”

“I have no idea. Let’s continue doing it though.”

 After a lot of hopping up and down, Buddy and Phil made a mile. It took a lot of huffing and puffing too.

“Let us skip.” said Phil.

“Why?” asked Buddy.

“Because I said so.” said Phil.

And since Buddy had a low tolerance for thinking, as he only did it when he had to, he was satisfied.

But after another mile he was annoyed at Phil for making him skip for a whole mile.

“Phil why was I skipping for a whole mile?” asked Buddy.

“Because I told you so.” laughed Phil.

“Why weren't you skipping to?” asked Buddy.

“I didn't want to.”

“And why was I?”

“Because I told you so.”

“Why did you tell me so?”   

“I wanted to.”

And this time Buddy is the one to go “Arrrrrrggggg!” like a pirate. Speaking of pirates, I used to be one. And do you know what I plundered? It was cough drops! And no, that wasn't a joke. Ok,ok it was, and can I have another one? No? Then I’m going to have to resort to my pirate tactics. Arrrrrrrrggggggg! Anyway, back to the story.

Anyway, most of Buddy and Phil’s conversations went like this, and with one of them screaming Arrrrrrrrggggg! at the end. I’m not as cruel to go into detail on each of their conversations.

Ok, maybe I am, but I won't because that would torture me to. You know actually maybe I should do that. It would also torture you, and if I torture you enough, maybe I can get another cough drop!

The Exact Same Day, But Next Day

“To see a duck that isn’t nice or modest, is as rare as to see a fish not in its tree. As Dizzjen Mestow said, ‘if you tell a fish that it can swim, then it will try until it realizes that it can’t. Then, if you tell it that goats eat carrots, it won’t believe you. That is why not being honest can come back to haunt you.’ That is very true, yet ducks don’t have to deal with it, because of course, we are very honest.”

Dizzjen Mestow is right, but the ducks aren’t is the simplest way to say this. Dizzjen Mestow? Oh, he was the Useful Empire’s best inventor, and most genious goat ever, but he died by jumping of a cliff on purpose, to see what would happen.

The next day Buddy and Phil awoke at dawn, exactly the same way they awoke the previous day.

Our heroes awoke to the sound of birds. So they went back to sleep. Twenty one minutes later they were woken up again by the birds. They again tried to go back to sleep. But the birds were relentless. The birds were saying something.

“Wake up.”

“Wake up.” they all seemed to be chanting.

But not all of them. There is one tiny blue (ha, I fooled you! It was actually a green bird last time! Anyway, this time it is actually just a blue bird who is saying it.) one who is saying; “Up wake. Up wake.”

When he said this he was chased through the trees with other birds nipping at his tail, wings, and his neck. The same happened to another one of them, this one red (ha, fooled you again! You thought it would be green, but no!) and chanting “Wake down”.

Needless to say Buddy and Phil woke up. This was the second unpleasant  awakening is two days.

“This is the second unpleasant  awakening is two days!” cried Phil, who was looking forward to sleeping in late today, and only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. He did not like the change in plans.

The only difference would was that Buddy was not looking forward to getting up after what happened yesterday.

Once they had woken up completely, they were on their way. Me, I am on the way to getting COUGH DROPS! Please, give me more.

Ok, let's get to the story.

“Groan.” groaned Buddy.

“Groan.” groaned Phil.

“Groan.” groaned a fish in a tree. (No one knows why fish live in trees. There is a legend that fish used to live in water, but no one believes, because, I mean come on!)

“Ow!” said the green bird.

“Ow!” said the red bird.

“Ow!” said the fish in the tree.

“Is it okay if I call you Bud?” asked Phil.


“Ok Bud.”

Buddy had changed his mind, but he then decided rudely to do what Phil had done to him. It is also rude that YOU KEEP HOGGING YOUR COUGH DROPS AND SUCKING ON THEM LOUDLY! Seriously, can I please have one? Yeah! Thanks! Wait, this isn’t mint flavored one! This is a lemon flavored one! You are such a traitor! Why do you have two almost full boxes of different flavored cough drops anyways? Oh, you have five. Well, I’m spitting this one out. Anyway, back to the story.

“Can I call you ’il then?”


“All right ’il”

Then, Phil just exploded. Everything that he had been holding in came out. All the times he had been mad at Buddy for his useless comments just spilled out. Basically, he turned into a screaming, yelling, furious goat.

“JUST SHUT UP!” He continued yelling and cursing Buddy for almost fifteen minutes. Honestly, he did what I kind of want to do to you. And then, Buddy started getting really mad at him.

“Why don’t you shut up, stupid goat! You think can control me and make my decisions don’t you?” Buddy screamed.

“You son of a meafhow!”

“I might be the son of one, but you actually are one!”

“Go fetch!” Phil yelled at him. In other words, he took it way to far. Buddy started sobbing uncontrollably, but Phil was still mad.

“You should start going ‘bark, bark, bark’, shouldn’t you!”

And then Phil realized he had gone to far. But it was to late. Buddy was already reaching into his pocket for a carrot. And then, he started munching on it rudely and loudly.

“I’m sorry,” were Phil’s very consoling words. “I didn’t mean to be so mean.”

“You are such a cheep-cheep. I hate your meafhowing beard. You know that carrot I am chewing on? It was supposed to be your birthday present. But now, you are never ever meafhowing going to get it.”

“Wait,” Phil said confused. “My birthday is five months from now.”

“I know,” said Buddy sniffling.

After about twenty minutes, he calmed down. But now, there was a new danger.

My Biggest Fear? Evil Pelicans That Sneeze And Cough.

“Pelicans are one of the smartest creatures in the useless empire, and love to cook and have fun. They are also writing this, and being modest at the same.”

That is one of those rare times they get something right. Well, except for the modesty, but everyone says that they are modest, even me! Honestly, I am probably the most modest person in the world!

The danger was a pelican. Pelicans are very common, though admittedly they aren’t the best fighters. So, anyway the pelican was very dangerous. How, you ask? Because it was actually 17 pelicans, all lined up in a row. Each pelican had a IQ of 56, so they outsmarted our heroes by a lot. All but one of the pelicans all made a noise that sounded like a cough. Then the one that didn’t make any noise before made a noise that sounded like a sneeze. It was the leader of the group. Every single pelican tried to attack Phil and Buddy. They all surrounded both of them and started pecking at them. The pecking tickled a lot, so both of our heroes were in hysterics. This was a common way to defeat their enemy, and it had worked well for them before. But this time it wouldn’t work. Why? Well, I’ll tell you if you give me a cough drop. I can have one? Thanks! Ooh, strawberry mint! Let’s try it! Hmm, pretty tasty. Well, I guess a deal is a deal, so now I have to tell you how they were saved.

Well, there was another group of pelicans who saved the day. This group was 18 in size, and were all crying except for one. That one was giggling, and obviously the leader. The sounds that the pelicans keep making are battle cries, by the way. So, the two sides started to fight each other.

Phil and Buddy found themselves in a battle. But, no one was attacking them, so they felt pretty safe.

“What should we do?” Buddy asked.

“How am I supposed to know? Scream in terror? Maybe we could throw hazelnuts or something at one of the sides.”

“Lets throw hazelnuts at both sides.” said Buddy, who was smug at being the one to say the brilliant idea.

“Do you have any hazelnuts, I don't.” asked Phil.

“No, why?”

“TO THROW AT THE FLYING THINGS!!!!” screamed Phil.  

“Jeez, ok, you don't have to be so rude. Maybe we should run!” That was one of Buddy’s comments that was actually helpful and a good idea. In other words, it was one of a kind.

“Hey, that is one of your rare good ideas! Let’s go do it!”

“Wait a second, if you don’t have any acorns, why did you suggest that we throw acorns at one of the sides?”

“Because I thought you would have some acorns to through at the flying things,” was Phil’s very logical response.

“If you don’t have any why, would I have any? I am allergic to acorns for goodness sake! The make me sneeze, so there is no way I would have any acorns to through at flying things!”

“If you are allergic to acorns, why would you suggest that we throw acorns at the flying things? What even are the flying things?”

“I don’t know for both of the questions, but I do think we might want to run away,” was Buddy’s way to avoid the question. Fortunately, it also a good plan, provided Phil agreed. If he didn’t, then the two would get into a huge argument. So, It was another fortunate event that the Phil (being the wiser one in pair) agreed that they should run away.

So, it was in a heroic way that are heroes ran away from the battle. Where did they go? Right into more pelicans of course! See, there was a wanted poster on many trees in the forest. It read:

Wanted, for escaping and generally being rude. Reward if found.

There was a picture of them underneath, that made them look stupid as it was a picture of Buddy feathering sticks, and one of Phil that was of him watching leaves fall to their death. Anyway, the pelicans all (except for one of course) made the sound that you make when you purse your lips. Then, the one that didn’t make a sound made a sighing sound. They then started pecking the two, until abruptly, they stopped. The reason they stopped was their leader. For their leader had just made a sighing sound. For you uneducated people out there, that was how the pelican leaders signaled their tribe.

“Sorry about that. I just realized how rude we are being. So, will you come with us?” the leader asked.

“Whisper whisper whisper,” whispered Phil to Buddy.

“Whisper whisper whisper,” whispered Buddy back.

Then, they both realized at the same second that they really should be actually talking to each other.

“So, should we run?” Buddy asked Phil.

“Yeah, we probably should.”

So, they ran away. Into some lizards.


Fear The Mighty Lizards! (Well, Only if You Know About Them)

“There are those rare beasts that you might see sometimes, but most of them are lousy fighters. The lizards are an exception to that rule.”

Actually, that is very true, though there are a few other rare creatures who are good fighters, but their weakness is their politeness.

Now the lizards were a bit more forceful, as they had been paid 1,000,000,000 beezeders, and fo all you dumb people out there, a beezeder, plurl, beezeders, was the form of money that the ducks had made and they all had an unlimited supply of it so they could bribe other animals into doing their evil deeds, as a beezeder was hard to come across. And the genius thing (or not genius thing, wherever you stand), was that if the animal that they were bribing got caught, was that all the judges were ducks, and any duck could commit any crime, and getaway with it.  

“Come with us or get shish-kabobed with my spear, Stormbyter.” commanded the lead lizard.

“What does shish-kabobed mean?” asked Phil.

“I am not surprised you do not know what shish-kabobed means as it is a long word and you would not know that,” he sighed.

“What does Stormbyter mean, and we are just buying time with useless questions.” stated Buddy.

“Buddy you're not supposed to tell him that.” groaned Phil.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” asked Buddy.

“It was very obvious.” sighed Phil.

“Ahem.” the lizard leader cleared his throat.

“Oh, sorry sir.” said Phil.

“Its ok, but please be polite to me as I am to you, sir.”

“Got it.” said Buddy.

“Your supposed to be polite to me and my army sir.” said the lizard leader coldly.

“So sorry sir.” said Buddy.

“Thank you.” said the lizard leader.
“What's your name?” asked Phil.

“Call me Gorgpe. Now come with me, or be shish-kabobed with my spear Stormbyter.” he commanded.

Now, because being shish-kabobed is an annoying way to die, our heros, for one of the first times in their lives, actually did something smart: they went with the lizards.

“So,” said Phil at a desperate attempt at making conversation, “Do you kidnap people often? Is it like your business or something?”

Gorgpe growled. “First of, you should say ‘Is it your business or something sir.’ Second of, it is not polite to ask people if they kidnap other people!”

“Well,” Phil said very logically, “it isn’t very nice to kidnap people either! And also, you aren’t a person. You are a lizard.”

“Again that was very rude! Also, you aren’t a person. And neither is your comrade,” Grogpe replied.

Buddy glared at Grogpe. “I am a person!”

“Really? I thought humans always had mustaches though.”

“No they-” Buddy started.

“It doesn’t really matter anyway,” Grogpe interrupted. “You are going to the ducks either way.”

“But it’s impolite to interrupt-” Buddy tried to say.

“Silence! Gag them!”

So, the lizard army gagged them.

About a hour later, the lizards had brought them to the duck palace. Many ducks escorted them through the gates, and inside. And the lizards finally got their hard earned 1,000,000,000 beezeders.

Hey, Dad, Can I be a Weasel For my Birthday?

“Prince Ducky-Duck is the best prince there is in the useful empire. He is the prince of the ducks (son of king Diabolical Duck), and loves every duck in the kingdom dearly. ”

   Prince Ducky-Duck is the prince of the ducks, but he actually wants to be a weasel. He has a deep hatred for all other ducks, including his father.

So, as the pair approached the palace, the prince of ducks was sitting in a armchair grouching. If you didn’t read the section above, then you should. Another thing you should do is give me a cough drop. Anyway, are you back? No? Wait, why are you drinking lemonade? No, can you just start reading again? So, the reason Prince Ducky-Duck was grouching is that he couldn’t become a weasel. If you had read the section above, you would know that he had always wanted to be a weasel. Maybe next time you should listen to me! Anyway, he was grouching when another duck came in and told him that they had captured Phil and Buddy. His father was away, so he was going to be the one doing the questioning.

“Just tell us everything,” was what he demanded for first. However, I don’t feel like that word describes the situation perfectly, because he didn’t want to be demanding anything. He just wanted to be a normal weasel.

So, on one of their rare wise moves, they told him everything. They told him about the prophecy, about the pelicans, and they just told him basically what I have told you so far.

Prince Ducky-Duck had a IQ of 23, but he could be very rash at times. So, he started sprinting for the throne room. He motioned for Phil and Buddy to come with him, and started running up the stairs. The guards just stood there in shocked silence, as the group escaped.

As they burst into the throne room, (it was deserted) the prince started trying to destroy the kings throne. He tried to destroy it by pecking at it, and it was actually working. The reason that pecking the throne was working is that it the throne was made of pillows. However, it was painted so it looked like metal, so if you were there, you probably wouldn’t understand why a “metal” throne was being destroyed and starting to leak feathers by a duck's beak. Prince Ducky-Duck knew that the thrones were made of pillows, because it was a family secret. See, the ducks were lazy, and didn’t really want to get metal to make thrones with, so instead they decided to just paint the pillows to look bronze. They were also much more comfortable. Have you tied to sit on a pure metal throne? It hurts! One more interesting fact was that when prince Ducky-Duck was pecking at the pillows it looked like he was strangling a chicken (its one of the most popular forms of harassment the ducks had, mostly because it killed the chicken, and that's why all the chickens were scared of the ducks, because even the stupidest creature knows that it's not fun to die. You look pretty dumb, what you think? Is dieing fun or not? Yes? Ok… I’m going to back away slowly now, do you see these ducks in white coats? Good. they are going to give you a new stright- I mean jacket. Ooo, look at all those cool clips! Now the ducks in white coats are going to put you in that giant concrete building over there. Your going to get chocolate cake when you get there, mmmm chocolate cake, yum.

Ha, just kidding! Back to the story.     

“Why are you- wait, nevermind, I get it. You’re trying to destroy the throne for the heir as the prophecy said,” said Buddy in one of those rare moments of his geniusness.

“Run,” Prince Ducky-Duck said, “Escape from this place!”

So, following his advice, the goat and human ran away. They ran away to the closest kingdom, which happened to be the rabbits. The rabbits are the spiders allies. They live right next to the spiders, (and the ducks, as you know) but they are supremely better in all ways. They are masters of tactic, and yet their armed forces are well….it’s best not to say. What they have to say about themselves?

“We are lovers of carrots and peace. So, you should love us. Of course despite how much we hate being rude, if you are mean to us, then we most certainly will be rude to you. Also, if you steal any of our carrots, you will pay the price!”

Phil wouldn’t have ran into it if he knew what kingdom it was. Because, see the goats are on a really tight rope with the rabbits all because of all the carrots they have growing on their land. Back a couple billion years ago, when everyone had a decent understanding of life ( a war sprouted between the goats and rabbits. The war was for carrots and justice. Mostly carrots however. And that was the war that put the devilish thoughts of stealing carrots into every, and any goats mind. While those two animals were fighting over carrots, pigs decided to steal all of the each animals secret stash of carrots, because pigs are selfish and wanted those two animal tribes to go extinct, so they could get all of their carrots easier. They also stole the carrots because….well, they're carrots!!! That move of stealing the carrots made the war get even more important for each side, for both of them thought that the other side had taken there carrots. The pigs sat back, and watched, as the two sides fought with such ferocity, that in the end, the casualty count was zero, yes zero, nil, with one rabbit, and one goat being knocked unconscious. The war finally ended when the two sides(worried about losing numbers, and having to give the other side all of their carrots), made a treaty. The treaty declared that each side would resolve its conflict by going to!!!!!!!!!! Actually, the treaty declared that each side would never fight again, and give the other side carrots when they wanted them. Neither side was actually going to honor their agreement, instead they were going to ask for carrots, and hoard all of their own. This plan didn’t work, because both sides were doing it, and not giving away carrots to the other side. This erupted into another war(world war -40,674,375,294,378) which caused casualties of 2 (one on each side, though both were committing suicide for not getting to a carrot that the other side ate) then, the war was resolved with another treaty, this one saying that each side would honor their agreement, and was immediately broken. This went on for a “few” years(46, which only I am telling you). The few years are as goat and rabbit historians say(so you won’t get a bad impression, and not give them carrots) then, finally the pigs were chosen to settle the debate. But as they came in to cavavaca (the debate settling place in the human town of “weirdandboringname”) everyone saw how many carrots they had. Back then everyone was a whole lot smarter, with a average IQ of 34. The highest IQ back then was 97, and two representatives for each side had a IQ of 89, so besides the fact that they did take about 1 minute to figure it out, they did in the end figure out that the pigs were frauds that had stolen their precious carrots. Both sides made a treaty that they wouldn’t attack each other(instead they would attack the pigs), that they kept until they had soundly defeated the pigs. They did it in one year, but brought down the pigs population from 11,564 to 246. Even now days, it has still not recovered at 342. The goats and rabbits still fight the pigs a bunch. However, despite the treaty, neither side trusts the other, and both are planning to attack the other side. Just don’t tell Phil that.

So, without really meaning to, the heroes went farther into the rabbits kingdom.

The pair had been walking for about a hour when they noticed that there was a rabbit coming towards them.

The heroes hid away under a dune of sand. Because that was the entire area of the rabbits kingdom. Dunes and dunes of sand. Fortunately, the rabbit didn’t notice them and kept on going.

“Why is there a rabbit here?” Phil asked Buddy.

Buddy was distracted, and wasn’t really paying attention. He was distracted by a huge mound of sand. It looked different from all of the other sand mounds that he had seen so far.

“Hmm....” Phil pondered, (mostly to himself) “Wait a second! This must be the rabbits land!”

Tremble in Fear Puny Goat and Human, for This is the Rabbits Land!

“The rabbits are very, very fierce. No one would ever dare trespass on the rabbits land for pure fear. And that fear is a good thing for them, because to trespass onto the rabbit’s land, means certain death.”

Well, again, basically all of it was very exaggerated. Especially the certain death, and ferocity of the rabbits, as they have a pathetic armed force.

So, after Phil figured out that this was the rabbits land, he started shaking, and sobbing in fear. Buddy was still distracted, (by the same particularly big mound of sand, and now he noticed it looked a bit like a group of rabbits all hiding in unnatural sand pile) so he didn’t notice what Phil was going through.

“Phil,” Buddy said urgently. However, Phil was still weeping in fear, so he didn’t notice.

“Phil,” Buddy said again, very urgent this time. Yet Phil still didn’t notice.

“PHIL!” Buddy yelled, and started shaking his friend.

“What?” Phil asked furiously. “Stop shaking me!”

“Well,” Buddy said eerily calm, “I think that mound over there has a bunch of rabbits hiding.”

And since Phil was (like everyone else who knew him) so tired of Buddy’s annoying, comments, he didn’t believe him. “No there isn’t!” Phil exploded. “Just stop making useless comments.”

“I’m not making a useless comment!” cried Buddy. “that mound of “sand” (he was using air quotes here.) is actually a army of poorly armed rabbits!”

Buddy should not have made that last comment, as the rabbits are very sensitive about their armed forces, and promptly hopped (they are rabbits) up the hill.

“See Phil?!” asked Buddy, but Phil could not respond as he was trembling in fear.

“Come ON Phil!” whisper-yelled Buddy, as he was hanging on to the hopeless hope that the rabbits would not notice them.

The rabbits noticed them.

“DIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Goat, and human accepting the evil goat!!!!” they all screamed.

This unexpectedly made Phil even more scared if that is even possible.

“Run Phil RUN!” cried Buddy.

Phil, greatly frightened, came to his senses,and promptly ran as fast as he could. Buddy, on the other hand was running to, but towards the rabbits, but fortunately for his life, he turned and ran with Phil.

Now, as the rabbits could only hop, they were no match for a sprinting goat and human, even if they were very weak, and unathletic. But the rabbits foresaw this, and had made tripwires (remember, technology was very unadvanced, as were traps at this time.) all along their territory, and Buddy and Phil were very lucky that they had not tripped on one, as it would have set off an alarm.

As Buddy and Phil were sprinting, their feet were very  close to the ground, making them more likely trip over the tripwires laiden all over the place. (110% in fact.)

And because it was 110% they tripped over the tripwires, and got caught easily by the rabbits, as they had tangled themselves up in it.

The rabbits captured them, by just carrying Buddy and Phil, as they were so tangled up that they couldn't move.

This was a good time for another “intellectual” conversation.

“Phil, why are we tangled up in this net.” asked Buddy.

“Have you forgotten what just happened fifteen minutes ago?”

“Nnnnn… yyyes?” said Buddy.

“Sigh.” sighed Phil.

“Well, we escaped from the evil ducks and-”

“I know that, what just happened?” Buddy asked.

“Oh, well you dragged us into rabbits land, and somehow we avoided the tripwires-”

“You didn't avoid the tripwires.” said a random rabbit. “We just put them up, you can escape by the-”

“Soldier! You are not supposed to say that! Only I am.” said the rabbit’s general.

“Yes, sir.” responded the random rabbit.

“Ok, well you can escape if you punch me in the gut, then run up that hill, there are no more tripwires there, as it will take a week for the tripwire setter-uppers to set the trip wires back up.” he said, now very proud of what he had done, not yet realizing the huge mistake he had made.

This is why there are no prisoners at the rabbit’s many jails, they were very smart, but idiotic at the same time.

“Are you lying?” asked Phil.

“No. Nope. Nada. Zilch. Zero.” he responded.

“So, did you or did you not tell us how to escape?” asked Buddy, who was very confused, because this was the only species so far that had willingly told them how to escape, not counting prince Ducky-Duck, because the other ducks wanted to keep them prisoner.

“Buddy, don’t ask them that, they might realize what they have done.” wined Phil, who was very frightened at the prospect of spending his life in a jail with Buddy.

“Oh, well, you did not tell us how to escape.” said Buddy, nodding with satisfaction.

“Good enough. So, we ran up the hill, and you were very frightened, cried for mommy, because you had seen this “under-armed” rabbit army.  

“We are not under-armed!” objected the rabbit general.

“I used air quotes.’’

“Fair enough.”

“Alright, so you while were crying for mommy, I charged the rabbits, but quickly turned around, this was an army I couldn't take on. (He said the last part for the benefit for the rabbit general.) So we ran for our lives, and got trapped here because of your stupidity.” Phil finished.

“I sense there's something amiss with your story.” said Buddy sceptical.

“Everything was exactly correct, every last detail.” explained Phil.

“Um, I might like to challenge that, Phil, your name is Phil, right? Well I think you reverse the roles in that educational documentary.” challenged the rabbit general.

“Yes, my name is Phil, and no nothing was changed, and no roles were changed at all.”

“Well Phil, I discreetly remember a human running at my well armed army.”

“Well, calling your army well armed is an insult, and I did change the roles, but whatever, right?”

“I can answer to that. Your face is an insult.” the general retorted.

“Oooh, shots fired!” said Buddy, temporarily turning commentator.

“Well, you are so ugly that you make onions cry.”

“You know, that's actually true, but when you go outside you get an award for the most ugly person in town.”

“That's true, and the Rabbitister hits a soft spot as the Goatistress eyes water up with tears!”

“Why are you giving us dumb names?!” said the “Goatistress” and the “Rabbitister” at the same time.

“Because I’m the announcer, and I get to chose the names.”

“Truce to get the human to shut up?” asked the “Rabbitister”.

“Ok.” said the “Goatistress”.

“Phil, we are friends.” said Buddy in a pathetic attempt to persuade Phil to side with him.

“Not anymore!!” roared Phil

How Much Bad Luck is Allowed in a Day?!

(hint, a lot.)

“ Ducks opinion on the rabbits: Oh, the rabbits? Well, to start of explaining them, you first must know that they are very genius. Also, their forces are very good, likewise with their tactical leaders. And yet, they have one flaw. They all love carrots, and can be easily bribed, sadly.”

Yes, exactly right! Wait, no this is Creative Creatures of the South. Nevermind, it can’t be right. Well, I guess the rabbits forces aren’t actually that great...

Now this was one of those times when Buddy cracked.

“Oh yeah, Goatistress? Well, I don’t want to be friends with you anyway, stealing credit for what I did, making me feel like a soggy pancake on a daily basis. You know what? You don’t listen to me, you ignore me, you give me unnecessary grammar lessons, so just shut up for once,” Buddy said, starting to cry. Phil was his only friend, so even though he wasn’t the nicest goat at times, he still meant a lot to Buddy.

Now, Phil was also hurt, and he handled it a little differently. Instead of going into a rage, (which honestly is the more appealing option) he started sobbing.

But Buddy didn’t care. “You are the world's biggest meafhow! You are a safkifdek, a jovbark, and a cheep-cheep” and Buddy continued swearing at Phil.

The rabbit who had been watching, realized that this was by far the best time to deliver them to the leader of all rabbits, King Rabbitworld the LXXVIII. (or the 78th, because many rabbits have very short spans.) So, he ordered the rabbit guards to “Deliver them to king Rabbitworld the 78th!”

So, the party that consisted of a sobbing goat, a cursing and sobbing human captives, and rabbit warriors made its way toward a huge mound of sand. The mound of sand was the rabbits base, and it was where every rabbit that wasn’t guarding the perimeter or picking carrots lived. The Journey to that mount of sand took a long time, mostly because the rabbits had to carry Phil and Buddy, who were still in the net. And, the first reason it took so long to carry the two was that, even though Phil was a pretty healthy eater, (he only ate carrots) Buddy was not. In fact, he prided himself on eating creegs. Creevesteges were a popular snack food that everyone ate. Except for the rabbits and the goats of course. Anyway, the second reason that it took a long time for the rabbits to carry them was that, well.... The rabbits were not exactly athletic. So, because of those reasons, it took the rabbits exactly 59 minutes, and 59 seconds to drag the pair 40 giseves (20 yards), into the rabbits base.

The Password is Password, Password, Then pasword!

“Rabbits were not the inventors of all that much genius technology, Dizzjen Mestow was not one of us, (he was a goat) and yet we are by far the smartest, most creative, and most awesome creatures there are.”

Actually they are 100% right. The reason behind this is that they are by far the smartest, most creative, and most awesome creatures there are.

So, they arrived, exactly 59 minutes, 59 seconds after they started walking the 40 giseves.

The lead rabbit drew a circle into the sand, and a keypad opened up. The rabbit typed in password, (though the pair couldn’t see, because it looked like dots) and the sand above collapsed downwards into a room.

“Ha,” said the rabbit leader with authority, “I am so high in command, that I know the password to get into the rabbits base! I know that the password is password, and neither of you does!”

“Wait,” said Buddy, “I thought that the password was seven periods!”

Phil slapped his head. “No Buddy, that is what each character appears as, so we can’t see what the password is.”

“Yeah,” said the general, not yet realizing his mistake, “and you don’t know the password because of it.”

“Actually, we-OUCH!!” Buddy tried to say, but was interrupted by Phil’s vicious headbut.

The general looked suspicious, but still couldn’t figure out what was going on. So, he walked into the room. He then drew a triangle on the wall, and yet another keypad popped up. He then typed password again, and started to taunt the two. “I know all of the passwords you need to know to get in, and I was one of the genius people who decided to make it be the same password two times in a row! Nobody will ever guess it!”

“So,” Phil whispered to Buddy. The two had become friends again in this frightening scenario. “That means that both of the passwords are password.”

Buddy nodded though he wasn’t paying that close attention. He was thinking about the dots.

Then, as the sand collapsed, yet again, there was another chamber. This time, the rabbit drew yet another circle on the wall, and another keypad popped up. Then, the general typed in pasword. The roof collapsed into a huge room with exactly 238 doors. He was still thinking to himself how genius it was to name the same thing twice, then something else, when he realized that he had just given away two of the passwords.

“Arghhh!” the general shouted. “I gave away two of the passwords! Tell me you don’t remember them, please.”

“What passwords?” Phil asked, doing a incribelly bad job of acting.

“Wait a second,” Buddy said, with a sudden realization, “password is eight characters long, not seven. It wasn’t seven characters, it was eight!”

The general just pawed his head, confused. “Whatever, but don’t know that this password is pasword, okay?”

“Okay,” said Phil cheerily.

So, the rabbit’s dragged our heroes into the room.



Dont you Just Love Those Family Dinners When you Talk About Ways to be Evil?

“Ducks care for the environment very much, and would never do anything to harm it. We also respect others rights to love us, and be our slaves.”

Well, I don’t know where to start here. Let’s just say no to everything except for the slaves part.

So, let’s make a deal. If I tell you this chapter, then I get a cough drop. And I get to choose any cough drop I want, okay? Hmm, I think I’m going to just choose mint. Thanks! Hey, wait this isn’t mint, it’s lemon! You switched the boxes! Okay, now I refuse to tell this chapter. You brought it upon yourself. Next time, maybe you won’t switch the boxes. See this chapter was going to be about something, but now it won’t be thanks to you. No, I will not take a mint flavored cough drop! I bet you are trying trick me, but I will not fall for it. Fine, I’ll take it! What flavor is this? It tastes weird, but actually okay. Oh, lemon mint? What will they invent next? But I won’t go back on my word, so I guess I need to make a new chapter. So much work!

The Previous Chapter, Actually Told (but I Still Want a Cough Drop)

“Ducks care for the environment very much, and would never do anything to harm it. We also respect others rights to love us, and be our slaves.”

Well, I don’t know where to start here. Let’s just say no to everything except for the slaves part.

So, even though I will tell the chapter this time, I still want a cough drop. A lemon mint flavored cough drop to be precise. So, If you want to here the story, you might as well get it over with now. Thanks! Well, now I guess I better start this chapter.

So, while Phil and Buddy were at the rabbits well password protected base, Prince Ducky-Duck was having dinner with his father, King Diabolical Duck.  King Diabolical Duck was as said the king of DUCKYYYYY LAND. Yes, it was called DUCKYYYYY LAND, and yes it it was a very stupid name, but when the Duck king is King Diabolical Duck, you get a stupid name, and though everyone hated the name, when the king name is named after his personality. (yes, King Diabolical Duck was very  Diabolical.) Everyone was afraid of King Diabolical Duck, because he had a tendency to be Diabolical, and that means for all you dumb people out there, that he had an evil way to get rid of all of the people and/or ducks and/or animals that stood in his way to power, this was to  to toxicate the air, and unfortunately for Buddy and Phil, they were a couple of the kings two hundred forty-six enemy, and if the king had his way, they would die a death by intoxication in the air. That is, if prince Ducky-Duck couldn’t stop him.

How Prince Ducky-Duck Might Have Saved the Day, and Buddy and Phils Lives( he Might Have, I Dont Know yet.)

“This is the first sentence of the first volume in a extraordinary series. In this, you will find facts, hidden truths and the real things that creatures do.”

Well, this is (kind of obviously) the first sentence of Volume one of “Creative Creatures of the South.” It is also, well....A bunch of lies.

So, Prince Ducky-Duck was very mad at his father when he shared the news. First the fact that he couldn’t be a weasel, and now this?

“You are the worst dad ever!” Prince Ducky-Duck yelled. “You never even got me the one birthday present I asked for, instead, you gave me the title of Prince Ducky-Duck. I don’t even want to be a duck! I hate ducks, and I would rather be a weasel than a duck. I would rather be a spider than a duck!”

His father didn’t know how to answer. Admittedly, I wouldn’t either if I was in his position. But, after pondering for about fifteen minutes, he asked, “so, would you like a piece of land? To have more control over the empire? Or what?”

Prince Ducky-Duck realized he had a great opportunity. “I want.....I want a feast. I want us all, everyone creature, to have a feast.”

“Hmm.....” said King Diabolical Duck. “Sounds good. So, you like my plan to toxicate the air?”

“NO!” Prince Ducky-Duck screamed. “I hate it! It would be the worst thing you have ever done!”

“Why thank you for the compliment,” said King Diabolical Duck, still not understanding that it isn’t always good to be bad.

“It isn’t always good to be bad!” Prince Ducky-Duck screamed, quoting me exactly. Note the reason I said always is that I once was well.....A pirate. I was a pirate that plundered cough drops. Ok, that was a joke, but still...

“It isn’t?” King Diabolical Duck asked.


“Okay, chill, chill. Sorry, but, I mean like it has to be good to be bad right?”

“NO, DEFINITELY NOT YOU BIG FAT MEAFHOW!!!” yelled prince Ducky-Duck.

“Okay, chill, chill. Sorry, but, I mean like it has to be good to be bad right? Like all we ducks do is be bad and vile right? So we have to follow that tridion, right?”

“No, it is ok to have change.” said prince Ducky-Duck, who was beginning to calm down.

The two continued to argue, but in the end, the deal they arrived at is that there was going to be a feast.

We Will let you go, but Only if you Give us Your Carrots!

“Our IQ level is uncountable. And despite how much we love carrots, well they aren’t our weakness. They are our strength. They give us power, and they give us our amazing intelligence. They also give us our feriosity.”

Well, none of this is right of course. And the carrots are really a weakness for them. It is very easy to bribe them with carrots.

So, while the king and prince were battling, Buddy and Phil had a few troubling problems of their own.

See, the Phil had 12 carrots in his bag. And the rabbits were good at smelling. Very good at smelling. Well, at least they were good at smelling carrots. Just like I am with cough drops! Anyway, all of the rabbits sniffed the bag, and all of them came to the conclusion that Phil had carrots in his bag and was hiding them from them. Unfortunately this conclusion was right. You know, actually since I can smell your cough drops, and you aren’t giving me any, I can come to the same conclusion. Well, the same conclusion except for the carrots, anyway. So, since I asked politely.... No?! You say no? Well, then I say yes and since you’re just a big meafhow, I-sorry, I just lost my temper. Okay, now I will actually start this chapter. But only if you give me a cough drop. Yay! Lemon mint flavored cough drop!

Anyway, now since you finally stopped procrastinating, we can start.

“Hey,” the lead officer of the rabbits said.

“Hey,” Buddy said back. He was looking around dizzly, and he seemed confused. “Are you having a nice vacation?”

Phil smacked his head with his palm. “Buddy, this isn’t a vacation. This is the terribly evil rabbits we are talking about.”

“So are we on a vacation?” Buddy asked dreamily.

“Enough!” The rabbit lead officer said. “The diabolical, Devious, sinister goat has carrots. And that means that he must give us carrots. Or else!”

“Phil, give them what they want. Give them the tomatoes, and then the-” Buddy fell asleep.

“Fine,” Phil said using his debating skills. “But if I give them to you, then you have to let us go.”

“Deal,” the rabbit lead officer said dreamily.

“First you let us go,” Phil instructed. “And then you will get your carrots.”

Just then, Buddy woke up. “Wait, Phil. Those are evil and diabolical rabbits. They eat apples remember?” Buddy said groggily.

“No Buddy, they don’t,” said Phil soothingly. “I only told borris that to distract him, remember?”

After that comment, Buddy stopped being so sleepy, and started to remember everything.

The rabbit lead officer led them back to the front of the mound.

“Now you are free. So, you must give us all of your carrots,” the lead rabbit officer demanded.

“Ha, toes crossed,” yelled Phil, and started to run away.

“Ha, Phil had his toes crossed,” Buddy yelled following Phil.

“Buddy, you do not need to say that,” Phil responded very logically. “I already told them that.”

“Ha, Phil already told you that,” Buddy mocked the rabbits who were far behind. Remember, they could only hop, so that was why they were behind the pair.

“Buddy, you don’t need to say that either,” Phil said again, very logically.

“Ha, I didn’t need to say whatever I just said.”

“Buddy, please shut up.”

So the two made their way, with their carrots, away from the rabbits, into the short-tailed shrews land.

The Completely Evil and Terrifying Mice!

“The first few  things that comes to mind when you think of mice, are probably their politeness, generosity, and overall kindness. But there is also mice’s intelligence, curiosity and just how wise they are.”

I can’t say that any of that is true. Why can’t I? Because it would be rude to lie even more, wait, forget I said that more part.

Buddy and Phil were walking. And walking. And, well, you get the idea. Then a tree exploded. There’s been a lot of exploding trees lately, don’t you think?

“Did a random tree just explode?” asked Buddy.

“Did you see a random tree explode?” responded Phil.


“Did you hear a random tree explode?”


“Well then a random tree did just explode.” finished Phil.

After this uninteresting conversation, Buddy began to sprint, and Phil began to gallop. But, as they were not very athletic they slowed to a walk again.

What did you say? Hrumph. Ok, they can now stop traveling in weird ways, but it is called the weird quest, right? You say that's no excuse? But it is an excuse! Right? Ok, whatever, they will stop traveling in weird ways.

Anyway, to the story.

After about an hour of walking Buddy and Phil came across some mice.

These were not your usual mice, no, these mice were about four feet tall, and they looked very evil. They looked evil, because, of course, they were very evil.  

They also had very frightening samurai swords, though no one knows why, as they might be truly pacifists, or everyone who encounters them gets killed, and that might be the reason anything knows nothing about the mice, just one thing, from one witness, who was found almost dead, and died, as soon as he got one sentence out.  

The sentence was this:

“The mice did this.” and then he died. You may know him. His name was Timothy Evergream.

This story is very grim so far, so lets cheer things up. Let’s all have cough drops!! Great idea! Yum! Ok back to the story.

This was an unfortunate event, our heroes had no weapons, not even duck bones this time. There was, as said, not much was known about mice, so Buddy and Phil didn't know were the mice might attack, but they weren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer, so it doesn't really matter, so Buddy and Phil were no better off than if they knew stuff.

So, Buddy and Phil were now in moderately deep water. Not deep water.

Some Random Chapter Name That my Friends are Going to fix (Seriously They Will)

Buddy and Phil were not in deep water because they could not swim. Yes, this sounds ridiculous, but it's true. If Buddy and Phil were in deep water, they would be dead for certain. Over there, the only things that could swim were the creatures that lived in the ocean, and the ducks.

(This was one of the biggest reasons that the ducks took over land so quickly, they could not only swim, but fly to.)

The mice were just as surprised to see Buddy and Phil as Buddy and Phil were to see them, because even the stupidest of the stupid know not to venture into mouse wood. Their surprise didn't last that long though, only one minute.

Right after the mice overcame their surprise, they attacked our heros with their swords and claws as weapons. As I mentioned before, Buddy and Phil were not very athletic, but neither were the mice. They had all of their battles fought by the Short Tailed Shrews, and when they worked out, they only worked out their upper body, for sword swinging and punching, their legs however being rodents, were tiny, and weak.

Both slowed down within one thousand feet, and started to gallop, Buddy was panting and jogging.

There were five mice in all. One got taken out by an exploding tree, he was jumping from branch, and landed on a weak one, which fell, and landed on another mouse.

Now, there were only three of the five mice left, but these were some of the toughest mice out there.

Yay! More Exploding Trees, and Mice! Im Going to die now! Hooray!

As our heros were running for their lives, they ran into a tree as they checked their progress on the mice. It wasn't much. They got up and kept running. You know, however unathletic a human or animal is, the threat of impending death makes them give all they got. Amazing isn't it?

Just then a loud noise startled every creature that wasn't accustomed to extremely loud noises, so simply put, the noise startled all but Buddy and Phil, they have encountered what, three four extremely loud noises this book, no? No? Oh, well.

“Phil, was that another exploding tree?” asked Buddy.

“Yes, that was another exploding tree Buddy.” Phil responded.

“What are the mice doing?”  asked Buddy.

“Waving their swords above their heads, and the other two are unconscious or dead. I can't tell.”

“I just meant the first three.”


“Lets run faster.” gasped Buddy.

“We can't.”

“Right. Lets try to outsmart them then.”

“Thats a bad idea, but its the best bad idea we have.”

“Ok, how do you outsmart them?”

“Me?! How about you?” asked Phil, totally terrified.

“I don't have any good ideas right now. Ask me when we are not going to die.”

“You need to come up with a good idea quick or we are not going to be alive.” snorted Phil.

“Hummmmmmmm.” thought Buddy. Remember that Buddy had a hard time thinking of anything useful, even worse on an empty stomach, as it was right now. But somehow he thought up a moderate idea.

“Maybe we can stop, and they might overshoot us, and then we can run.” planed Buddy.

“Where do we run?” asked Phil.

“Wherever there's no mice.” he responded.

“Lets try it.”

Please take note that a historic moment is now taking place; Buddy actually thought up a plan that might work! It is one of a kind!

“Now!!” yelled Buddy. And they both stopped, and as the plan was meant to do, the three mice over shot by five hundred feet. But, (there's always one) the mice turned, and continued the chase.

Random Chapter, That a lot of Stuff Happens in (Namely a Grammar Lesson, Tortuous, I Know)

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Look out behind you!!!!!!”2 screamed Phil, knowing instantly that Buddy’s insane plan had not worked, had come up with a brilliant plan B. it worked! Yay! It worked! Of course it worked! Now your going to expect me to say that unfortunately, Buddy and Phil did not escape, but they did this time!

You also might ask ‘why didn't the mice not go for Buddy and Phil as soon as they realized that they had ran?’ That was dunno...I guess. Wow! This is a first! I don’t know something! Well, Phil I’m proud of you for thinking up that brilliant plan! So proud I’m going to sing!


2 Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Look out behind you!!!!!! They say is the oldest trick in the book, and they are right. (for once.)

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA  LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (okay this is to hard, I am just going to ignore all of the rests.....)
























































Yes, that was a total waste of paper, and totally awful  but it was fun!

Exactly three hours, three minutes and three seconds later Buddy and Phil came to a stop.

They had been running for most of the way, but stopped when they had realized that the mice were not in fact, chasing them, (they were not the most observant being ever.) they had walked. It is an amazing feat to run for three hours straight, and can only be accomplished when your life is in vital danger, you should try it sometime! All you have to do is to go up to a mean person and say some mean thing to them. Yep, a life changing experience! (or a life ending experience, but we don't have to dwell on the dark times.) It counts as exercising too! Anyway, back to the story.

“Phil, why did the mouses look for the thing you told them to look out for?” asked Buddy.

“Well, maybe because they, I mean are...well...humm...I just lost my train of though there… well, you should know that mouses is incorrect grammar, the croccet grammer is mice Buddy, mice.” responded / correct Phil.

Now Buddy was still trying, and failing to digest Phil’s little speech, mostly the part were Phil mentioned ‘train’ as trains hadn’t been invented yet, so that's a bit of bad storytelling on my part. Oops.

While Buddy was ponderong, he realized something. That something was that he and Phil had agreed to a ‘no grammar lesson’  thing earlier this book, and Phil had just given him a grammar lesson! Outrageous! Giving a grammar lesson against someone's will! (The only thing they are good at is getting people to sleep.)          

King Reasonably Smart Rabbits (aka the Decender) tale.

“The descender is both a genius, and a rabbit. Therefore, you can make the correct assumption that the rabbits are all geniuses, which is also, of course true.”

Well, admittedly the descender is a rabbit, and you can make the assumption that all rabbits are geniuses, but that assumption, contrary to what the say, is not a good one to make.

First, before I continue, you need to know the tale of the descender. So, read a book about it, because I am to lazy to tell you what happens. What? How dare you! You say I should stop being so lazy and tell you it? Fine! Honestly though, you don’t need to say that!

So, the descenders tale starts with a little rabbit. That little rabbit was the prince of all rabbits, and named Prince Reasonably Smart Rabbit. He was, as the name suggests, a prince. The prince of rabbit kind, in fact. His father, king rabbit verse MDCCCXCIX, (The 4398th, for those of you who can’t read goat numerals. The reason why there were 4397 kings before king rabbitverse IVCCCXCIX, is because rabbits have a very short lifespan.) was a brave rabbit, and died soon after Prince Reasonably Smart Rabbit was born.

While Prince (well, now king) Reasonably Smart Rabbit was growing up, Dizzjen Mestow had just died, and many people thought he was the smartest goat ever to be seen. In fact, many people thought he was the smartest creature ever to exist. Now, as you know, the rabbits were always rivals with the goats. And this was one of those times when the rivalry got to be into a extreme. The sides were constantly at war, fighting each other. As soon as King Reasonably Smart Rabbit attained the throne, he decided to change his name to something that made him sound cool. He was insulted that he was just “reasonably smart,” and eventually, after a long time, he decided on calling himself “The Descender.”

Now, about three years after he attained his throne, he descended into a deep and deadly war with the goats. It was deadly, because the sides kept commiting suicide when somebody (well, actually more like some goat or some rabbit) on the other side got to a carrot before them. But King Reasonably Smart Rabbit was actually a lot smarter than his name suggested. He was actually genius. And, he was smart enough to know that it was a advantage to be genius. So, he planned a tactical attack on the goats. It was a very genius thing to do, because the goats were, well, not the brightest. His plan was to sneak into the goats land, steal all of their carrots, and bring them back to the rabbits land.

His plan worked, as he had predicted, and many goats commited suicide. Others became slaves of the rabbits, and served them to get bits of carrots. These slaves were freed after King Reasonably Smart Rabbit left. Speaking of him, King Reasonably Smart Rabbit finally got the respect he felt he deserved. All was going well, until he finally bit of more than he could chew. Literally. He was eating a carrot, and he stuffed it all into his mouth, and almost choked. He became a laughing stock among his rabbits, and not as respected as before. He then plotted to take over more kingdoms, to regain his respect and power.

The first empire he tried to take over was the flea empire. He knew about the newly invented fly swatter (the humans were the ones to invent it, and they were allies with the rabbits, due to the fact that they both hated the goats), and he used it to his advantage. He armed all of his troops with them, so he quickly one the first battle. He then took over the entire empire.

Next, he plotted to take over the spider kingdom. Back then, the spiders were actually allied with each other, and, amazingly they had their own government. So, King Reasonably Smart Rabbit gave them fleas to eat. This strategy worked, and they ended up taking many spiders as slaves to. Then, after the descender went away, the spiders slowly gained their freedom, and allied themselves with the rabbits.

Next, he tried to fight the mice. Now this was a mistake on his part, because the mice were allied with the goats, and had a lot of carrots as a emergency stock. Because of this, many rabbits committed suicide, and the mice were quickly winning. So, King Reasonably Smart Rabbit wisely retreated, and decided not to bother the mice.

Not very many rabbits supported this retreat, and many rabbits tried to overthrow him. He knew that he had to regain control over his rabbits, so he figured he needed to fight some of the best fighters and win.

At first, he didn’t know who to to fight. But then, after about two months puzzling over it, he decided to fight the weasels. This was a very brave move, and yet it was also a very stupid one. Those moves tend to go together, don’t they? Anyway, he was quickly defeated. No one supported him as leader, (this is another reason rabbit leaders have short lifespans) so he fled to away, and was never seen again.

We Should go to That Dangerous Volcano, Dont you Think?

“The mosquitos are very persistent, and are great fighters. Of course, we never fight unless we can’t help it. We are complete pacifists. We are the most polite, and nice creatures in the world. we will never get mad, or go into any kind of rage, ever!”

Actually, mosquitos aren’t that good at fighting, (except for cooking battles) and they get infuriated easily.

The two heroes (and well *cough, cough* idiots *cough, cough*. No, I don’t need a cough drop! Wait, actually I do need one, so gimme! I’ll take a lemon mint, thank you!) were sitting down in the grass having a discussion. The grass they were sitting on was burning hot, as, well, they were sitting on the grass right next to a volcano. And that grass is usually pretty hot. And, more importantly then all of this other stuff, (besides me getting a cough drop, of course) the heroes were having one of their “intellectual” conversations.

“OUCH!! This grass is very hot! It’s practically burning in fact!” Buddy yelled.

“That is because it is right next to a volcano, you idiot,” Phil responded.

“Oh,” Buddy said, “Would it get colder if we went up the volcano?”

“No Buddy, the volcano is the source of the heat, so it would get hotter if we went up the volcano,” Phil said with surprising patience.

“Hmm..... maybe we should go up to the top of the volcano then,” Buddy pondered. This was one of those very, very rare times that Buddy was being very wise, even though it may not seem like it.

“You know, that is very genius,” Phil said, with one of his comments that was (as usual) smart.

So, the pair went up the volcano. But then, (Cue the dramatic music, and cough drops) they ran into trouble. Because this volcano was were the mosquitos actually lived. And the mosquitos were very, very evil.

“Attack!” yelled the lead mosquito.

“Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!” The “heroes” yelled, in unison. Then, they both sprinted away. Well, they tried. But, remember, they were anything but athletic, (well, okay, they definitely weren’t geniuses like me either) so, well, they jogged. Well, they tried. But again, remember, they weren’t athletic, so instead, they actually crawled. And, the mosquitos caught up....

All Bow Down to His Evilness, King Awesome Mosquito!

“Mosquitos are kind, loving, and great at fighting, but their is much more to them then that.”

No, they aren’t kind, loving or good at fighting, and there is nothing more to them than that stuff.

The mosquitos took the heroes toward their leader. Well, they tried. But the mosquitos were not good at taking people to their leader. As a matter of fact, they weren’t good at taking goats to their leader either. How could they not be good at doing something as simple as that? Well, they weren’t very good at doing anything, except for cooking battles of course.  

So, dramatically, the pair of heroes were dropped down, and rolled down the volcano. Fortunately, the most of the mosquitos had terrible seeing, and thought the two were still in their swarm.

Meanwhile, the heroes were moaning, and groaning loudly. But, again, fortunately, the mosquitos all had terrible hearing, and none of them heard the loud moans, or the loud groans.

“Groan.” groaned Buddy.

“Groan.” groaned Phil.

“Moan,” moaned Buddy.

“Moan,” moaned Phil.

“Noan,” noaned a fish in a tree.

“What?” Phil asked moaning.

“What?” Buddy asked groaning.

“Moan and groan rhyme, and noan sounds cool, so I have decided to say noan instead of groan or moan,” the fish in the tree moaned.

“Oh,” Buddy said, now noaning.

“Oh,” Phil said, but he was still moaning.

“Well, it was nice meeting you, as the genius Bob Genius naid,” the fish in the tree naid.

“Naid?” Buddy asked noaning with how much it hurt his brain to think about this.

“Instead of saying said, of course,” the fish in the tree nexclaimed. (exclaimed, for he was very irritated that nobody understood what he was naying.)

“Oh,” Buddy naid.

“Will you shut up?” asked Phil.

“Who, me or that weird creature?” the fish in the tree nasked. (yes, the fish in the tree nasked, means the fish in the tree asked.)

“I am a human!” Buddy naid.

“Really?” The fish in the tree nasked. “I thought all humans had mustaches.”

“No, they don’t!” Buddy naid. He would have nexclaimed, but he didn’t know about nexclaiming, so he couldn’t.

“Both of you, be quiet!” Phil shouted.

“There is no reason to nell!” the fish in the tree nouted. Nell was yell of course, and nouted was shouted.

“What?” Buddy asked.

Then, the fish in the tree took off his disguise. Because he was actually King Evil Mosquito XXXMMMMDCLXXXVI. (the 34686th)

All of the mosquitos came back, and recaptured the two.

“Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,” King Evil Mosquito XXXMMMMDCLXXXVI laughed evily.

“Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,” all of the mosquitos replied evilly.

Then, King Evil Mosquito XXXMMMMDCLXXXVI did something very surprising. He ripped of his disguise. Because he was actually a fish.

He started to attack the mosquitos, and fortunately for them, they decided to run away, back to their actual king. But a few unfortunate ones got eaten by the Fish in the Tree.

Buddy’s Brightest Idea: Jump Into a Volcano!

“Fish have always, and will always live in trees. However, they aren’t stupid because of it, instead they are smart because of it. Very smart.”

Actually, comparatively speaking, yes, they are very smart. (But that doesn’t say much)

So, after all of the mosquitos had been defeated, or fled, the three of them went up the volcano.

“Just so you know, my name is fishy. Fishy Dishy,” Fishy Dishy (the fish who used to be in a tree) naid. And that was very suspicious, if you ask me. I mean, if your name is fishy, you have to be fishy, right?

The three of them continued until they were almost at the top of the volcano. Then, Fishy Dishy, being a fish in a tree, stopped being able to breathe. He tensed up, and almost couldn’t do anything. He had to go back to his tree. “I have to go back to my tree,” Fishy nispered.

“Bye fishy,” Buddy naid. (Buddy won’t keep naying forever, he will eventually go back to saying.)

So, the pair continued to the top of the volcano. Once they got there, they could see that the volcano had a lot of bubbling lava.

“Let’s jump in the lava,” Buddy naid excitedly.

“No, why would we do that?” Phil asked.

“Because it would be genius,” Buddy responded. (again, he would have nesponded if he knew about nesponding. But he didn’t, so it would have been weird for him to nespond. What? Okay, fine, it is the weird quest, so it would make a tiny bit of sense, but the important thing is that he didn’t.)

“No Buddy, it would be stupid to jump into the lava. It would be suicide. Literally!”

“That’s why it would be so genius!”

“No, that is why we shouldn’t do it, because it would be stupid. Do you want to die?”

“It’s why we should do it! It would help us out!”

“How would it help us by dying?” Phil asked, getting really irritated.

“Because it would!” Buddy yelled, also getting frustrated.

“No it wouldn’t!” Phil yelled.

“Yes it would!”

“How would it help us to die!?”

“Because it would!”

“No, actually it wouldn’t!”

“Would to!”

“How would you know?”

“Well, how would you?”

“Shut up, you stupid stick-fetcher.”

“Oh yeah goat? Why are you so orange? Is it because you are stupid?”

“That makes no sense!”

“Just like you!”

“I do to make sense!”

“Then why do you say we shouldn’t jump into the volcano?”

“Well, why should we kill ourselves?”

“Because!” Buddy insisted. “It will be good for us in the long run.”

“But we won’t be alive to experience it!”

“Who cares?”

The two former friends were turning angry, and it looked worse than ever before.

“I do!”

“Well, I don’t!”

“Shut up, you stick-fetching freak!” Phil yelled.

It was going to far. “ARGHHH!!” Buddy yelled, and pushed Phil into the lava. But at the last second, Phil dragged Buddy in with him.

Hi, I am a Very Nice, Awesome and Modest Rabbit

“And, when the mosquitos are not nice, and are unkind, well, that never happens, so I don’t need to worry about it!”

Well, for once, just for the mosquitos sake, I will lie, and let them be “nice”.

As soon as they fell in, both of them, despite how idiotic they were, realized that the lava was fake.

“The lava is fake!” Buddy yelled.

“The lava is fake!” Phil yelled.

For some reason, both of them were friends again, so they congratulated each other for figuring out the most obvious thing in the world.

“Nice job figuring it out!” Buddy congratulated Phil.

“Nice job figuring it out!” Phil congratulated Buddy.

The two of them didn’t realize how ironic that was, (and it is also ironic that they didn’t realize it was ironic.) but cut them some slack. They are idiots after all.

Anyway, the two heroes finally looked around. It was a nice inside of a volcano. If that says anything, of course. It was pretty big, and it looked like somebody's home. And, there was a rabbit inside with them.

“Hello, I am reasonable smart,” the rabbit (who, as you have probably guessed....wait a second, never mind, it is you! You wouldn’t have guessed! Anyway, since you can’t guess, I won’t tell you, until I need to.) said.

“Well, I am a pure genius so there!” Phil yelled.

“Yeah. He is a pure genius, like me, and you are just reasonably smart. We are beyond reason in our smartness,” Buddy said very wisely.

“Buddy, shhhhh.....that makes us sound bad,” Phil whispered to him.

“Oh,” Buddy replied. He thought for a second, and then said “we pretended to give the rabbits our carrots, but really we were going keep them. And the plan worked! The rabbits must be real idiots.”

“Buddy, shhhhh.....he is a rabbit, he won’t want to hear about that! We need to have a good reputation,” Phil whispered to him.

“I mean we didn’t do any of that.”

“That did not fool me, and, by the way, I am.......” (he paused for dramatic effect), “the descender!”

“Really?” Buddy asked.

“Yes, really,” the descender responded.

“Wow, I have always wanted to meet you,” Buddy said. (see? What did I tell you? He said. He didn’t naid, he said!)

“Hey, Buddy, remember the prophecy? We should ask for the freedom of us all!”

“No, we shouldn’t! I like the ducks ruling us. Well, kind of. Actually, I kind of hate it, but we still should let the ducks rule us.”

“Actually, I don’t think you should have the ducks rule you. They are the evil beasts, after all, and well....they are evil,” the descender said wisely.

Of course, it didn’t seem wise to Buddy. It seemed idiotic. And since Buddy was the wisest man in the useful empire, (well so he said) he thought that he would know better. “That is a terrible idea. There are absolutely no valid points whatsoever. None at all!”

“There are to,” Phil argued. “Think about the evil beast thingy. It makes total sense!”

“It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! Remember, I am the wisest man in the useful empire, so I would know.”

“Well, I am the wisest goat in the useful empire, so I would know!”

“I am the wisest rabbit in the world, and I (because of my wise powers) know that you should stop arguing.”

“I request for the freedom of us all,” Phil said dramatically. Buddy just shrugged, and excepted Phil’s choice.

The descender faded out of view. Phil and Buddy arrived at the door to the duck palace.

The Interestingly Boring Awesomeness

(a Math Lesson)

“We shrews are pacifists of course, but we fight when foughten. Anyone who dares provoke us well be very, very sorry. We have won 104 battles, and we have fought 105, so there is more proof how innocent, and how good at fighting we are. Again, we are just pacifists, so don’t ever attack us, or else.”

The short-tailed shrews are good at fighting, but well, they attack anyone that they can, so I don’t know if they are really pacifists.

Now, every single animal was invited to the feast, and, unbeknownst to the ducks, and every other creature beside that particular one, was trying to defeat the ducks, and take the throne. Also, Phil and Buddy were honorable guests, so they sat down with all of the other animals. Well they would, if they got there. They weren’t there yet.

“Attention,” said King Diabolical Duck. “This is a feast to celebrate ducks. There will be many more of these in the future.”

“All hear for the future!” yelled every duck in the room besides Prince Ducky-Duck.

“Now we should honor the gods for no reason except that our ancestors did it. But they also ate tomatoes, peas, onions ext, ext, all those gross and evil vegetables, that no one eats today. Anyway, we should pray now.”

said King Diabolical-Duck.

“Hear hear, let's get the stupid praying over with!” yelled one duck.

“Gards! Execute him! And make it snappy!” growled King Diabotical-Duck.

“What did I do?” the Duck asked.

“You talked back to me! Twice!” snarled King Diabotical-Duck.

“Eeek! Coming through!” the Duck said.

And as he surprised everyone he managed to escape into the woods.

“Guards, I want you to comb the forest looking for him!” King Diabotical-Duck said.

“But, sir-” said a guard.

“Don’t talk back to me!” King Diabotical-Duck roared.

“Yes sir.”

“ Skiddadle you!” King Diabotical-Duck said.

And luckily for him he did skiddadle.

As the guards ran out to find him they grabbed several giant green combs, (exactly ten giveses by ten giveses, and for all you math people out there, what is the total area of one comb? I’m not going to put any of my unreliable footnotes here, because they are, as said, unreliable. Oh, you want the answer to the problem? It is 100 giveses. And now try to convert that into yards. So, that is 50 yards. Now convert that into feet. Okay, sorry, I shouldn’t be doing this math stuff.... But what is the answer? 150 feet to be exact. And there were 6 combs. So what is the total area of all of the combs in feet? 900!), because they didn’t always know if King Diabotical-Duck was talking literal or not.

“Sir, are you sure this is what we are supposed to do?” asked the guard who was yelled at a little bit ago by King Diabotical-Duck to the guard commander.

“Silence! We are following direct orders! You don’t want to be killed do you?” the commander responded.

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Just say you don’t want to get killed! Who does?”

“Maybe me....I don’t know.....”

“NO, YOU DON’T WANT TO GET KILLED! Why would you?” the commander screamed.

“Fine, fine, I don’t want to get killed....”


While they were having an utterly pointless conversation, Buddy and Phil were just getting to the feast.

Phil and Buddy Arrive at a Really Boring Feast That They Dont Want to go to. Yay!

Yay! You don’t have to read useless quotes for the first time since the start of the book! So the first and the last chapters of the story don’t have the useless quotes.

The two heroes were looking at a banner above them.

Welcome to the feast of awesomeness! This is a feast to celebrate Duck-kind. Our honored guests are Buddy and Phil

“Let’s go in,” Buddy said.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. They had again forgotten about their argument.

So the two went in. The rest of the people inside the building had already forgotten about the escaped duck.

And then, all at the exact same moment, every side, every creature all yelled “ATTACK!” It was a coincidence that they all happened at the same time.

Every single creature attacked every single duck. Except Prince Ducky-Duck. He led the weasels. It was hard to tell who was winning. It was hard to tell what was going on. Very hard.

“What should we do?” Buddy asked Phil.

“How am I supposed to know?”

“You just are!”

“Well, I don’t, so there!”

“To bad, because you have to!”

“Well, let's run away then!”

“Can’t you think of anything more noble??”

“Let’s see you try!”

“Well, we should run away nobly.”

“No, that isn’t noble enough. We should run away nobly, and yell ‘we are noble!’”

“Well, that isn’t honorable enough! We should run away nobly and honorably, and yell ‘we are noble and honorable!’”

“But that isn’t majestic, or awesome or cool enough.”

“Who cares about that stuff! Let’s just stick to our plan!”

“Fine, fine,” Phil agreed after a moment thinking about it. “That will have to do.”

So, the two tried to run away.

“We are noble and honorable,” Phil said.

“We are noble and honorable,” Buddy naid. (he remembered!) He had considered adding and cool, and awesome to the list, but decided not to.

“Why do I care?” asked one of the warthogs.

Both of the heroes decided to ignore this comment. They ran toward the door for the exit, and opened it. They then sprinted away from the palace. Well, they tried to. But after about 10 minutes they slowed to a jog, then to a walk, and then they started skipping. Then, finally, they arrived at a hill. This hill was unimportant, and it was in a completely useless universe. And, there was one leaf, more important than the watchers, that wavered down to its death.